Published: November 29, 2007 12:43 am            

Rebs’ hire: Nuttin’ but a PBJ thang

As anyone who follows college football knows by now, Houston Nutt was introduced as the new head football coach at Ole Miss Wednesday.

There seems to be a little discontent among the Rebels’ fan base, but I suppose that’s to be expected with any new hire. The truth is, Nutt will have done a fine job for UM if he comes anywhere close to what he did for the past 10 years at Arkansas.

It’s the way Nutt got to Oxford, however, that has folks scratching their heads.

It’s pretty easy to believe what we do know for sure: That on Friday, Ole Miss blew a 14-point lead in the fourth quarter to lose to arch-rival Mississippi State; and less than 24 hours later, fired head coach Ed Orgeron.

But one day later, on Sunday, Ole Miss said it would pay Chuck Neinas of Neinas Sports Services between $20,000 and $40,000 to help the school conduct a national search for a coach. On Monday night, Houston Nutt resigned at Arkansas; and less than 12 hours later, Ole Miss announced it had found its man ... a head coach in the same league and same division less than 6 hours away.

Are you kidding me?

I suppose if we’re expected to believe that Nutt and Ole Miss athletic director Pete Boone talked for the first time about the job Monday night, wouldn’t it be just as easy to believe the two have been talking for weeks if not months?

Hmmm ... in fact, I bet it went a little something like this ...

On the morning of Sept. 23, Houston Nutt’s cell phone rings. He answers to hear ...

“Houston, this is Pete Boone at Ole Miss. Look, Houston, I’m on the way to church and we probably shouldn’t be talking like this ... so just listen and I’ll get right to it. I’ve been reading your message boards, Houston ... the Arkansas folks aren’t very happy you lost to Kentucky yesterday or that you’re 0-2 in the SEC after winning the West last year. Heck, to be honest, as if Nutt wasn’t bad enough, they’re calling you every name in the book. We got problems here, too, Houston. Should have beaten Florida yesterday but couldn’t pull it out. I’m telling you, Houston, we needed to win that one ... for God’s sake, Vandy beat us by two touchdowns last week. Look, Houston, if you’re interested, I can get you over here and I’ll find a way to get you a million-and-a-half a year. You just keep doing what you’re doing over there and I’ll make sure things happen here the way they need to. And Houston, the NCAA and the SEC are going to call this tampering, so maybe we should have code names for each other ... you think of something and call me in a couple of weeks.”



Sunday, Oct. 14 ...



“Hey, Pete, this is Houston. Things are bad, man.”

“Coach, don’t call me Pete ... we’ve gotta come up with something else. You’d think with all the troubles you had last year with the cell phone records and text messages, you’d realize folks might catch onto us.”

“OK, I’ll call you PB, Pete.”

“That’s not very discreet, coach, how about something like ...

“Listen, PB. We lost to Auburn yesterday. I’m 0-3 in the SEC. They’re flying dad-gum planes over the stadium with banners that say ‘Houston, we have a problem’ and ‘Ain’t Nuttin’ like being 0-fer in the SEC.’ They’re talking about firing my butt, man. Are you sure you can get me in at Ole Miss?”

“Settle down, coach. Hell, we’re 0-4 in the SEC. Had every chance to beat Bama yesterday. To be honest with you, it really wasn’t Coach O’s fault. We got a bad call at the end. But it’s looking like we might not even win a conference game. You’re as good as in. Just come over here next week and take care of business and everything will be set in motion.”



Sunday, Oct. 21 ...



“Hey, Pete, this is Houston.”

“Coach, don’t call me by my real name.”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot, PB. Hey, Pete ... do you know PB kinda reminds me of a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich? What if I call you PBJ?”

“Listen, coach. You did a fine job yesterday. Beating us 44-8 might just seal the deal. Our fans are totally embarrassed.”

“Yeah, Pete ... I couldn’t believe it myself. How in the world did you pull that off?”

“Well, I just told Coach O that McFadden and Jones had the West Nile virus and that our kids shouldn’t lay a hand on them.”

“And he went for that, Pete?”

“Coach ... this is Orgeron we’re talking about here.”

“Dang, Pete, that’s bad. Anyway, I’m in man. Count me as a Rebel. I’m finished with these folks over here. You get me a million-and-a-half and I’ll resign over here the day after our last game, OK?

“Sounds good, coach.”



Sunday, Nov. 18 ...



“Hey, Pete, this is Houston.”

“For God’s sake, coach, don’t say our names!”

“My bad, Pete ... umm, I mean PB. Hey, Pete, did you know PB kinda reminds me of a passed ball? D’ya ever play baseball, Pete?”

“Coach!”

“Anyway, Pete, I hear ya’ll are gonna have some big announcement tomorrow. Are you gonna go ahead and fire Coach O?”

“Wish I could tell you yes, coach. But the announcement we’re going to make will seal his fate. You see, coach, a bunch of our kids have been stealing from hotels.”

“Was that your idea, Pete?”

“You better believe it. I printed up a flyer and left one on every locker telling them the resale value of hotel clock-radios and pillows on ebay.”

“Dang, Pete, you’re smart.”

“Anyway, coach, our chancellor made a big deal out of backing Coach O in the media. The Associated Press did a big story about it and probably every newspaper and television station in Mississippi says we’re behind him. I had to do something, so we got these kids to steal a bunch of stuff from hotels. We got the bill for the stolen items about three weeks ago, but we didn’t tell the chancellor.”

“That’s the Kayak guy, right, Pete?”

“It’s Khayat, coach. And when he finds out that Coach O knew about these thefts and that we’re not going to suspend any of the 20 players for the Egg Bowl Friday, he’s fired. It’s over, coach. The job is yours.”



Saturday, Nov. 24 ...



“Hey, Pete, this is Houston. Tough loss yesterday, man.”

“Coach ... for the last time, don’t use our real names. Listen, I’ve got everything set up. Coach O will be gone by noon today. Look, it occurred to me in Starkville yesterday that we do have the players to win. So I radioed down to the sidelines in the fourth quarter and said ‘Ed, if you’re a man, you’ll go for it on fourth down. Just do it, buddy. Get this first down right here and we’ll give you a contract extension. Don’t be a pansy, Ed.”

“I guess he went for it, eh, Pete? Hey, Pete, can I call you Booninator? I think that’d be a pretty cool code name for you, Pete.”

“Coach, concentrate on what I’m saying here. Orgeron is out. Now are you going to announce your resignation today?”

“Yeah, about that, Pete. Did you see me beat LSU on TV last night? Man, that McFadden kid is a horse and we rode him right through 90,000 drunk LSU fans. Snatched that national championship right out from under them, Pete. I’m in Hog heaven, Pete. Listen, man, I may need a couple million. If they voted today, I’d beat Bill Clinton in a race for governor over here.”

“Listen, coach, we had a deal. You know and I know that the writing is on the wall for you in Fayetteville. I don’t care when or how, but sometime in the next 72 hours, I need you to call a press conference and resign.”

“Do you think that Kayak fella can get me $2 million, Pete?”

“Just resign, coach. We’ll do the best we can.”



Monday, Nov. 26, 8 p.m. ...



“Hey, Pete ... umm, I mean Booninator, this is Houston. It’s done, man. I’m out. I’m Oxford-bound.”

“Yeah, I saw, coach. Not sure what that ‘I’m a Razorback for life’ comment was all about. That probably won’t sit well with our folks. Listen, coach, I’ll send out an e-mail tomorrow saying we’ve reached an agreement with you. Coach, the best I can do is $1.7 million. But we’ll knock you up a hundred grand every year until we get to $2 mill, OK?”

“Dang, Booninator, they offered me $2.4 million to stay here.”

“Come to your senses, son. They offered you $3.5 million to leave! Listen, just get all that hillbilly stuff out of your system and be here for a noon press conference Wednesday. Wear something with Ole Miss on it and tell everybody John Vaught was your hero, OK?”

“You got it.”

“See you Wednesday, coach. We’re proud to have you.”

“Thanks, Booninator, you’re the man.”

        

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