Published: May 11, 2008 01:35 am            

Stepparent frustrated over irresponsibility of child's mother

Got a problem you'd like to share with Sidney? Write to her at: The Meridian Star, P.O. Box 1591, Meridian, MS 39301 or e-mail her at sidneycovington@comcast.net. All submissions are confidential and go directly to Sidney.



Dear Sidney,



First off let me say that I love my husband and stepchild very much. However, I am having a rough go of it at the present moment.

I married my husband seven years ago and with him came a small child he had custody of. The mother had left him and gave custody to him. He had done an excellent job of raising this boy, but when I came into the picture the child was longing for a mother and began calling me "mommy." I have had no problem with this.

By the way, my husband's ex-wife returned to the picture approximately 10 months prior to my husband and I getting married. My problem is that she doesn't pay her child support and when we speak with the lawyer, he tells us that we have to let her get so far behind. Yet she continues to demand visitation and says she is this child's momma. When we discuss child support with her, we get the "oh, I have this going on ... or that." She never takes any responsibility, but gives the "oh poor pitiful me" story.

My feelings on this is that I have made continual sacrifices for this child. The best schools, clothes and needs are given everyday out of love, but I have no rights when it comes to anything. I keep health, dental and life insurance on this child. I am the one that tucks him in at night, but if something were to happen to his dad, she could – and probably would – get custody, although she cannot even take care of herself, much less a child.

She is considered his mother and I'm the stepparent. I have recently found out that if something were to happen medically to him that my consent is not considered legal. I have to get a paper signed and legally drawn up to have any say.

How can a government arrest men every day for lack of financial support of their children, but women who have been given a gift of a child not be held to the same standard? I do not want or need her money, but I feel if she expects the rights of visitation and being his mother, then she needs to also be held responsible for his day-to-day living by having to pay the support that the law says or she should have to give up her legal right. I do not have a problem with her visitation, I have a problem with the fact I have NO rights. Can you please give me some sort of legal advice or some way to find out if I indeed have no rights at all. This child has lived with me for all these years ... I have raised him. Where do I turn now?



Living in Frustration



Dear Living,



You've described a perfect example of "living in step" – it's extremely tough for everyone involved, but it sounds like you've made a real success of mothering your stepson and I commend you for that.

I've spoken with a lawyer who specializes in situations like yours, and I'm told that there's one misunderstanding in your letter. You do NOT have to wait until the mother "gets so far behind" in child support payments. As soon as the non-custodial parent gets so much as one dollar behind, you have a legal right to go to court. I'm not advocating that, though, just clearing it up.

I see two issues here: (1) the issue of child support; and (2) your legal rights regarding your stepson.

Now, regarding child support: The law is firm and in place. If the courts have ordered her to pay, she is to do so. But here's the catch: Do you really want to spend the money on an attorney to take her to court? So often, there's an atmosphere of anger and animosity between ex's and new spouses and you can bet that would only intensify if you do go to court. What will that do, ultimately, to the little boy? Pray on that one long and hard before you make a rash decision. What seems like a "win" in court when you come out victorious, could end up feeling more like a "loss" in the long run. Anger, vengeance, a child in the middle and even more hurt. Is it worth all that?

Now, your legal rights. You've stated them exactly as they are. Sorry, but the birth mother is the legal next in line as a parent should something happen to the child's father. I understand why you don't like it, but that's the way it is. I could go on and on with this, but let me end it here with this: What counts is how you're treating and taking care of that little guy. He's blessed to have a stepmom who cares for him. Do what you can to keep communication open between the parents for his sake. Put as much of your personal feelings against her behavior aside – and, YES, that's easier said than done.

I strongly urge you to seek outside counseling rather than continually dumping it on your husband. He needs to concentrate on the little boy while the two of you continue to provide stability and love in the home you've made for him. Believe me, that's what counts in the long run. And if you can keep the ugly battles out of it, you'll truly be victorious in the end. Trust me.



Love, Sidney



• Sidney Covington has a master's degree in counseling. She is a patient advocate and public relations

representative for Riley Hospital.

        

• Click to discuss this story with other readers on our forums.