April 27, 2008

April 28, 2008 10:27 am

— Got a problem you'd like to share with Sidney? Write to her at: The Meridian Star, P.O. Box 1591, Meridian, MS 39301 or e-mail her at sidneycovington@comcast.net. All submissions are confidential and go directly to Sidney.

Dear Sidney,

Let me start off by saying I may be taking this to the extreme, but one of my daughters by my husband's first marriage is really starting to get under my skin.
To mention just a few things ... She uses people no matter who they are to benefit herself. If she says one thing, you can believe it's the exact opposite. She has done some cruel things to family, but my husband upholds everything she does and the other children can do nothing right.
To me, it doesn't matter whether it's my child, grandchild, niece or nephew. If they come to my house, then you have to respect my home and be obedient. Her son is very disobedient and rude in his attitude with others including her. Because she doesn't want me saying anything to him, she keeps my grandbabies away ... until she needs us to do something.
A lot of people will mouth the words "I love you" and not be sincere. For some, it comes as easy as eating. But I can truly say I love all my children and believe in giving them the truth – but in a loving and constructive way. I have a hard time upholding wrong behavior and when we, as parents do, we become our children's enablers. That can cause more harm than good.
She stays away and only calls the house when I'm at work. I feel like my husband is having an affair behind my back (not literally). You know when a spouse is seeing someone behind your back and that other person sneaks around and sees and then calls your spouse. Well, this offends – no, it hurts me. I've never mistreated her and I do love her. I feel like in her own way she's saying, "I don't want to deal with you, so I'll see and talk to my dad when you're not around."
Is it that I'm just being petty or what?

Signed,
Just wants harmony

Dear harmony,

Wow! Your letter is chocked full of so many things, but really there are only two issues! I had to read and re-read it to get a real feel for what it is that's "just wrong here." And I think I've got it ...
First, you said it yourself concerning upholding wrong behavior and "when we as parents do, we become our children's enablers." So ........ why are you enabling her???
What I'm seeing here is that this girl is holding you hostage – but you're allowing it. You seem to be of the opinion that you must accept her negative behavior or she'll withhold the grandchildren. Then you say that she only calls when she needs something. Who's house is it??
Girl, make your rules and stand by them. You certainly aren't asking for anything unreasonable, but if you continue to be wishy-washy (Latin for pushover pansy), then you'll see no difference and you'll continue to be miserable. So what if she keeps the grandbabies away?... It won't last long. She'll need something and she'll call you. At that time, YOU are in control. Give her a yes or no and when the children come in, be the adult!
Stop giving your power away to this ungrateful person. Set boundaries and if they don't stay within them, say no the next time she asks you to keep them. It'll be hard but you'll survive.
As to your feelings about her calling her dad behind your back ... LET IT GO. That's her dad. I know it's hard for you to see her treating him wrong, but that's HIS problem and not yours. When you married him, you knew he had a daughter and, quite frankly, she was there before you were. Whatever dynamic the two of them have in their relationship is theirs. You can't change it, nor should you try. You can make the rules in your home as to how your guests should behave, but when it comes to your husband and his daughter, leave 'em alone. His daughter has every right to have alone time with her dad.
No, you're not being petty. It's hard to "live in step," but if you'll loosen up on this issue; you may be surprised at the pleasant change you'll see. And know what? One day you really WILL love her.

Love,
Sidney

• Sidney Covington has a master's degree in counseling. She is a patient advocate and public relations representative for Riley Hospital.

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