Published: April 13, 2008 12:10 am            

Recent widow anxious after enjoying guilty pleasure with young neighbor

Got a problem you'd like to share with Sidney? Write to her at: The Meridian Star, P.O. Box 1591, Meridian, MS 39301 or e-mail her at sidneycovington@comcast.net. All submissions are confidential and go directly to Sidney.



Dear Sidney,



I am a recent widow after 39 years of a wonderful marriage with the perfect husband. I am in my late 50s and have "held up well" if I do say so myself. I really miss my husband, and spend a lot of lonely hours. I do however find comfort in working in my back yard garden. My much younger next door neighbor who was kind to me and my husband before he died, spends a lot of time outdoors, too, and we have always had an "over the fence friendship."

Recently, I invited him over for a home cooked meal to repay his kindness. We had several glasses of wine, one thing led to another, and I ended up making him a home cooked breakfast as well. I am feeling so many emotions. I feel ashamed because I have a son his age, and I feel like I have betrayed my husband in some way. On the other hand, I feel alive again, and feel as though my life may not be over after all.

I apologized to my neighbor and he said, "Don't worry about it, we both had a good time, no big deal, it's no one's business but ours, and we can still be friends." I guess this is how the younger generation handles things, but I'm confused. I hear they have a name for older women who go after younger men so just sign me "Cougar."



Dear Cougar,



First of all, let me tell you how relieved I am that you're not having an issue with breastfeeding in public.

Reading your letter, I'm getting mixed messages. My sympathy to you on the recent loss of your husband and I'm happy for you that you "feel alive again." However, are you feeling alive because you fed your young neighbor supper, breakfast and that-what-comes-between-the two? Or, are you feeling "alive again" because there's hope that you and he might have an ongoing relationship?

While, certainly, your life shouldn't be "over after all," I sense guilt because you felt the need to apologize to him. I also feel that you should be "warned" not to hang on to anything promising with that young man since his answer was "that you both had a good time, it was no big deal and it's no one's business but ours." Just doing the math here, it would seem that you haven't had ample time to fully grieve the loss of your husband and your recent decision may have short circuited that very crucial process. It's human nature to avoid pain, but pain handled appropriately can lead to healing and clearer judgements. My concern for you is that you've introduced a whole new set of issues that you may not be equipped to handle.

Please consider seeking good and competent counseling immediately to help you sort out your feelings of confusion. If you're not involved in a church, please do that, too. There you'll be surrounded by love and support of other women who've experienced much of what you're going through – not to mention the supreme support from the Utmost Counselor.

In the meantime, stick to your gardening but, please, keep the fence between you and the neighbor!!



Love,

Sidney



• Sidney Covington has a master's degree in counseling. She is a patient advocate and public relations

representative for Riley Hospital.

        

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