Published: July 13, 2008 12:32 am            

The pressure on teens

I've obviously been out of high school longer than I care to admit – that, or radical changes have occurred in a very short amount of time. The high school pressures I recall revolved around staying out of trouble, being well-liked, and having a date to prom. Being smart and doing well were considered cool at my high school, but I never remember losing sleep over it.

These days, I'm hearing more and more about the woes of overly stressed, overscheduled teens. The ACT is being taken much earlier than senior year and far more than once or twice. Students are earning college credits long before college even begins. AP and Honor courses are the norm and doing well is not good enough – many kids today want to outdo everyone else. I have quickly realized that what I first assumed was admirable ambition was actually something quite concerning. Now I realize I'm only talking to a small margin of you, but it appears that we've got a number of high school students who are high on expectations and low on demands.

What does that mean? It means we expect our teens, and they expect themselves, to excel and outperform in a number of areas, but we aren't placing the demands on them or giving them the tools along the way that are necessary for them to do just that.

When students have expectations to excel, but aren't given the tools necessary to do so (or aren't made to use them), they will resort to unsavory behaviors like cheating. When I was in school, cheating was only for those not bright enough to score well regardless of how much they studied. Today, cheating is most common among the best and the brightest, because they feel intense pressure to do well but may be overly committed to too many other things.

Another common telltale sign of lacking or underutilizing the tools necessary to excel is an over reliance on Mom or Dad to do the work for them. If you've ever found yourself finishing that school project the night before it was due as your child slept, you know what I'm referring to. Yes, this ensures they obtain that end that we place so much value on these days, but what are they really learning? These corner-cutting methods may work in the short-term, but in the long run they will not pay off. In fact, not only do they not benefit your child over time, but they can also lead to increased stress and decreased learning – that's because we are band-aiding the problem rather than tackling it.

To make certain that your child is not high on expectations while low on personal demands, it is important to first examine those expectations and make certain they are reasonable and attainable. Twenty-four hours is all we get in a day. Is that really enough time for your child to compete academically, be involved in the extracurriculars they've chosen, sleep 8-9 hours a night, eat healthy, nurture important relationships, and have downtime. If not, then something's got to go – even if that means their college admissions application is not as stellar as the one belonging to the neighbor's kid.

If expectations are reasonable given time constraints and intellectual factors, then the focus needs to turn to other skills that may be lacking. Most commonly noted as stress contributors are a lack of organization, poor time management, poor work ethic, lack of priority setting, and inconsistent scheduling and routines.

What does your child's bookbag look like? Notebooks? Are they clean and organized and set up in a way that it is easy to locate information? Or does it take 15 minutes just to locate a homework assignment? Do they even know what their homework assignments are? Do their notebooks have a separate section for lecture notes, homework, tests, and reading material?

Does your child use a day planner, with important deadlines and due dates noted? Do they then schedule time to work on a project, days in advance rather than assuming they can pull it together the night before? Do they know how to break a project down into smaller parts and tackle it section by section?

Do they put off what it is they want to do until after they've completed what it is they need to do? Or are they allowed to play Xbox for hours before sitting down to a book? Do they understand the importance of delayed gratification and earning their down time? Do they have any down time?

Do they have a consistent routine for waking and sleeping? Do they have a specific, clean, and well-stocked area in the home to complete assignments, free of distractions and noise? Do they listen to their iPod or watch television while completing homework or studying for a test?

Do they have a sense of accomplishment from completing tasks on their own, correctly, in time, and to the best of their ability? Or do they know you'll bail them out every time? Do you supervise their task completion, ensuring they've done it, or do you assume they are old enough to be responsible for this themselves?

I understand the need to do well and to do so in many areas. But in order to achieve such feats, others things must be in place or problems will arise. Today's teens are definitely spreading themselves too thin. For a host of reasons, the trend is to obtain the good life, which is assumed to occur as a result of the best school, which can only be obtained with the perfect GPA. I won't even attempt to change this line of thinking.

What I do encourage however, is that we make sure we teach our children the necessary tools to make this happen in a way that maximizes their time and effort and minimizes their stress and frustration. The new school year is just around the corner. Now is the time to give some thought to the changes that need to be made. Examine those expectations. Get ready to establish that routine. Set up that study schedule. Organize that desk, room, bookbag, and notebook. Turn off those electronics. But above all, keep check of your child's stress level. If there is a problem, don't ignore it, but examine if it is a matter of expectations being too high, or demands being too low.



Dr. Susan Eaves is a

behavioral specialist and therapist in the Division of Children and Youth Services at Weems

Community Mental Health. E-mail her at seaves@weemsmh.com.

        

• Click to discuss this story with other readers on our forums.