By Anne McKee
The Meridian Star
Hissy fit – not to be confused with a throw-down or snit — is the real thing, doggone-it. Once the hissy fit has been put on the table, all bets are off. Now I’ve seen some good ones and I’ve even practiced a few, but I’m not there yet. It could happen, though.
Sometimes, I’ve noticed, a really good hissy fit is termed as bipolar. Of late, bipolar is sort of a catch-all word for bad behavior, unfortunately. However, a hissy fit is meticulously prepared and grandly presented — a real scheme for attention. Uh-huh. Bipolar is an unfortunate mental disease, I’m just saying, but they are both strikingly similar.
Oh, yes, the red face, a good foot stomp, slinging of arms and legs, smashed-up words (like screaming with a mouth full of banana) and tears, maybe real or maybe fake, are all required components of a real honest-to-goodness hissy fit. And you can’t get good at it without a lot of practice. i’m just saying, again. I sure know several folks who are trying to be hissy fit experts – bet you do, too.
Hissy fits are blamed on the South – why not, most bad stuff is blamed on all of us located below the Mason-Dixon Line. The meaning of hissy fit, according to the Urban Dictionary: A sudden outburst of temper, often used to describe female anger at something trivial. Originally a regional term from the American South. Thought to originate from contraction of "hysterical fit." Really! Humph – so one must be a Southern woman to throw one? I beg to differ – ever watch "The View"?
I don’t think the hissy fit is relegated only to women – ever listen to Rush Limbaugh or Donald Trump? I believe either one could be certified to offer hissy fit lessons, if Roseanne Barr or Whoopi Goldberg doesn’t beat them out in the hissy-fit competition. Oh, and I don’t believe any of these hissy fit throwing folks claim to be Southerners. Sigh.
Could there be any benefits from hissy fits, other than, you know, getting your way or causing a stir? Perhaps a health benefit – after all the heart is pumping, the blood circulating, a great deal of physical exercise done, and at least, an attempt for clear thoughts. Hmm, something to think about. I wonder if anyone has ever measured the calories used when hissy fitting? What about the carbs? This could be a breakthrough for all of the chubby Southerners?
Why not call a hissy fit conference? We could have it in Armadillo County, Miss., down near the railroad tracks. Not too much going on down there these days – a carrying-on hissy fit conference could be good for the community. We would need some top-notch workshop facilitators to teach the top-of-the-heap hissy fit classes. Need to get the big names into the mix like Bill O’Reilly and that little Michelle Malkin – she’s a go-getter of the first class. I think she and Bill would make excellent workshop teachers. Gotta get some movement going, if you know what I mean? Stir stuff up – like if there’s not a mob, instigate one. Sounds like fun.
Moving forward with a hissy fit society – all fitter’s have rights as guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution. You know freedom of speech and stuff like that. Hissy fit here; hissy fit there. Why not start a trend? Oh, wait a minute, it has already started. After all this is a political year.
Oops, I’ve stepped in it there …
On the world level, there are some amazingly talented hissy fit throwers. Let’s see ... there’s Kim Jong-un of North Korea, Bashar Hafez al-Assad of Syria, President Mohamed Morsi of Egypt, and, of course, Muqtada al-Sadr of Iraq. Any of these charmers could lead a hissy fit parade with great style. Did you notice there’s not a Bubba among them?
I’m getting a headache; think I will move forward.
Thought to ponder: Imagine all of the hissy fit organizations and their members calmed down, just one day. Yes, just one day … peace would ascend the earth; the oceans would smile upon the sandy beaches; the North Pole would have a freeze; the blue skies would reign supreme; and gas would be only 59 cents a gallon.
But it might be sort of dull in a way. I mean the hissy fit throwers of the world keep things livened up and drug sales at a premium. Imagine one day without Valium sales – the drug companies would go broke. Sigh. There are problems with everything in this ole world.
There may be one answer to this hissy fit dilemma and I’m working on it. I think my work must be supported by a huge grant from the government. You know like the $700,000 grant written in 2010 that was awarded to the University of New Hampshire to study the methane emissions from dairy cows. The study concluded the cows emit most of their methane through belching. This was reported by Jonathan Karl of ABC World News, on Dec. 20, 2010. This is too good to make up, but I know gas when I hear it, see it, and smell it and this little nifty fact will only cost you a giggle.
My thinking … if a dairy cow study is worth $700,000 then a hissy fit study should qualify for at least $500,000 plus. I will need a luxury condo located on the Garden Isle of Kauai, Hawaii; a complete staff, limo and a full-time massage therapist; plus a few incidentals like a complete new wardrobe with shoes to match and weekly pedicures. Oh, and the nails, too. Don’t forget the $10,000 per month pocket money.
Gotta run – lots to do along the hissy fit pathway. One hissy fit, two hissy fits, three hissy fits – it’s all good. Uh-huh, never underestimate the power of a hissy fit!
Anne B. McKee is an award winning writer and playwright. Visit her web site: www.annemckee.net