Technologically impaired

By Craig Ziemba / guest columnist

September 30, 2007 01:41 am

— Dad has an IPOD and enjoys downloading stuff from the internet via high speed DSL. And my Mom surfs the web to stay up on world events and the latest Bible study software. Seniors these days…
Meanwhile, back at my house, I finally broke down and got my first cell phone, we still don’t have cable TV, and our slow speed internet access is the equivalent of two tin cans and a string. (Please don’t email me photos. I don’t have that kind of time and it’s awkward admitting I didn’t open them.)
I’m what you might call technologically impaired. People always assume that anyone who flies jets for a living could certainly figure out how to change their ring tone. People would be wrong. I didn’t get that part of the brain that tells you how to hook a DVD player to a receiver. My watch still has hands and my truck windows roll up the old-fashioned way.
Perhaps it was my upbringing. Although these days my parents are up on the latest geek gear, it wasn’t always that way. We were the last to get a color TV, VCR, and a computer. In my entire childhood there was only one time we were ahead of the curve.
One Mother’s Day Dad unloaded a huge microwave oven from the back of the Caprice Classic. We set it on the kitchen counter with a mixture of wonder and fear. (Twenty-five years ago everyone worried that microwaves would kill you.) My sisters and I crowded around as Mom read the manual and Dad laid down the rules: Only adults could use it and we had to stand back anytime it was running to reduce the risk of radiation.
Mom brought out a frozen blueberry turnover and placed it in the center of the oven. Since microwaves cooked faster than conventional ovens, Mom set the timer for 20 minutes instead of the usual 35 and we gathered outside the lethal eight foot ring to watch.
Ten minutes later, the blueberry turnover began opening and closing like a huge, angry clam. Then it smoked and spat out blueberries like purple paint balls. “I’m going in there to turn it off!” Mom said, but Dad wouldn’t allow it. When the countdown was finally over all that remained of the turnover were a few charred flakes and dozens of black stalactites hanging from the ceiling of the brand new microwave.
Guys at work make fun of my technological disabilities, but looking back over a lifetime behind the gadget curve, I’m not sure I missed anything. The Commodore 65s and Ataris were sent to the dump years ago, but I still use the Remington 870 shotgun I bought when I was 14. Beta (remember Beta) collections gather dust at thrift stores, but my copy of Tom Sawyer still thrills my son the way it did me.
Technology is great when it works and makes life easier, but sometimes its just more trouble than it’s worth. As soon as you buy a new device, it needs an update or anti-virus, and a year later you can get one with twice the memory for half the price. In an age where technology changes so quickly, perhaps it’s worth taking time to enjoy the things that don’t change.
Eating dinner as a family, watching the sun set from a deer stand, and going on dates with your wife are pleasures you’ll remember long after plasma TVs and Iphones have gone the way of vinyl records and VCRs.
…Now if I could just figure out how to save this column to my new thumbdrive…

Craig Ziemba is a military pilot who lives in Meridian. His second book, Give War a Chance, is available at Meridian area Bible Bookstores.