Published: July 26, 2008 11:50 pm            

Country Spa

A rain shower drove me inside after several hours with a chainsaw last week. Fortunately for me a couple of trees fell across the fence in the front pasture during that last storm, because I was just about to run out of things to do.

Once inside, I turned on the TV and was intrigued by an infomercial for the latest abdominal exerciser. An energetic lady in tights demonstrated a machine that you hold with two hands and twist side to side to work your abs. Her interviewer was mightily impressed, especially when this professional exerciser pointed out that one machine could save you thousands of dollars in spa fees and keep your core fit. Most Americans, she said, have trouble getting enough cardio or weight training into their sedentary lives.

I must have skipped high school biology the day they taught about cores (probably playing horse in the gym). But I’m pretty sure I already have something that works a lot like that ab exerciser. It’s called a weed eater. Which gives me an idea.

Forget exercise clubs. In an effort to battle America’s health crisis, I’m going to open a country spa. For a modest fee, I’m willing to let people from town come over to my house and weed eat 20 fence lines to shed pounds and drop inches. Thousands of feet of barbed wire and abs of steel await you at Z’s Exercise Ranch.

But that’s just the beginning. Fancy spas offer a variety of treatments like sea weed wraps and mud baths. Same here. A couple of hours with my Stihl weed eater will leave you covered head to toe in bahia clippings, and there’s plenty of mud in the shallow end of the pond. And instead of fake nature CDs piped in over Bose speakers, we have frogs, crickets, and locusts playing for you live.

For those interested in weight training, we’ve got post hole diggers and pressure treated timbers, and when you’re done with that, you can drag those tree tops over to the brush pile. We’re also offering something far better than Windsor Pilates. I call them Choplates. This exercise is an ingenious blend of low weight/ high repetition lifting, timing and coordination. A simple axe and woodpile (over there by the garden) are all you need to feel the burn.

Speaking of burns, you may ask what’s the best time of day to visit a country spa? I recommend the middle of the afternoon. A good workout on a July day in Mississippi (it’s a wet heat) combines the purging benefits of sweating in a sauna with a natural glow that just can't be duplicated with electric or spray on tans.

Serious exercisers use personal trainers to maximize their workouts. I’ve been to gyms in large cities with personal trainers who teach proper exercise techniques and even yell at you for a price (“C’mon, work it! Three more, two more, one more! Pain is weakness leaving the body! Etc…”) Well, I can’t be everywhere at once, but I’ll be glad to show you how to crank up the chainsaw and get you started. And if it’ll enhance your overall experience, I’ll even come out and yell if I catch you slacking off.

Once Z’s Exercise Ranch gets up and running, I’ll finally have time to write more often, read some books, and relax. Hmm ... With everybody else doing my work for me, maybe I could use one of those exercise machines I saw on TV. Where'd I put that number?



Craig Ziemba is a military pilot who lives in Meridian. His second book, Give War a Chance is available at Meridian area Bible Bookstores.

        

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